I do. I really hate to say the word “NO!” Yet I don’t believe in anarchy - saying “yes” all the time is just as troublesome. Or even dangerous! How do you say yes to a kid, who is about to run over a busy intersection? How do you say “yes” to a toddler who is about to sample some household chemicals into his mouth? How could I say “yes” to my own two year old who got very upset that I did not allow him to cut my tablecloth with scissors?

Yet, I always tried to avoid it: “You can’t cut the tablecloth, but you can cut paper.” And then I’d remove the kid from the situation. Or the scissors.

Until he was two and a half it worked: out of site, out of ind. Minor tantrums here and there, some acceptance of feelings and it looked like we are doing pretty well without the dreadful “NO!”

It all changed with the arrival of notorious “terrible twos”: my son reached a new level of development and he could go and get most of the things by himself. He became taller and stronger too, so removing him out of the situation became kind of problematic as well. And “out of site, out of mind” stopped working altogether.

So I have to say “NO!”. Or yell it. It really depends on circumstances…

Every time I do, my son stiffens up and starts to look like a mad porcupine: I am kind of expecting quills flying into my direction any minute. And… they do fly. Not literary, but I get a tantrum, a rebellion, a shouting match, or all of the above. Or, even workse, it stops working: my little one just ignores my “NO!”. Or stops asking my opinion altogether:
“Tony, these are MY scissors! You need to ask a permition to use things that don’t belong to you!!”
“Ok, can I use your scissors, Mom?”
“NO!!!!”

… and as I yell, I realize why he didn’t ask in the first place.

So I started looking for some alternatives. First I went digging into my favorite books on positive discipline.
Barbara Coloroso, Kids are worth it!

…[we resort to saying "No!" so much that] kids learn not to take us seriously on the big no because we keep changing our minds on the little ones. The following are three alternatives you can start using right away so that hwen you really need to say no to your kids, they will believe that you mean it.

• First alternative: “Yes, Later!”
  “Mom, can Dad and I go for a bike ride around the development? Just one circle!”
  “Yes, later.”
  It’s almost dinner time, so I resist the urge to forbid it altogether.
  “Mom, but Jenny isn’t back from her practice yet!”
  “Ok, you’ve got 15 minutes..” Aha! I haven’t changed my mind - it’s already “later”!
• Second Alternative: “Give me a minute”.
  “Mom, could you drive me to the mall tonight?”
  “Give me a minute.” I’ve got no time to think oof this now! I really want to yell “NO!” and to concentrate on what we are having for dinner and figure out what y adventurous toddler managed to shovel into his mouth.
  “Mom, but I really want to stop by at the mall tonight!” What for? You’ll just spend all the money you’ve got for your birthday in one night! Another urge for “NO!” Instead…
  “If you need an answer now, then it’s a No. If you can give me some time to think about it, it’s a “maybe”.
  Jenny has practice tonight, so we wouldn’t be anywhere close to the mall. That’s a “No”, and now I know why I am saying it, I don’t have to find excuses for it postfactum.
  Or… It’s a rainy day and I’ll have a chance to pick up a givft for grandma! That’s not only a “yes”, but also a “great idea!”
• Third Alternative:Convince Me!
  I love this one, but I don’t a personal example yet, since I a just learning to use it. So I’ll just list an example from the book:

  “Mom, can I use the car?” “Convince me.”
  I use this one the most with adolescents, but it can bused with any child who is verbal. Why should I spend all my energy at my age trying to convince my adolescent she can’t have the car; let her spend all her youthful energy convincing me she should.
  “Mom, all my friends…” “I am not convinced.”
  “But you let Maria.” “I am not convinced.”
  “Mom, if you don’t let me use the car, you’ll have to drive all of us to play practice.” “I’m convinced!”

  My three year old is very verbal. Sometimes even too much. His reasons often don’t sound too convincing to me: “Mommy, I MUST mow the loan [with a toy loan mower], so I don’t have time for a nap now…” I don’t want him to think his reasoning is hopeless, so I came up with another, my own alternative:

• Magic “after” word
  I love the word “after”: it gives me a chance to say yes to almost any demands!
  “Yes, you can go for walk AFTER you finish your dinner.”
  “Yes! you can go and play AFTER you do your homework.”
  “Yes!!! You can have ice cream AFTER you get over your cold.”
I love saying “yes”. It’s kind of hard to argue against the word “yes”. The kid asks and is ready to fight “No”. Hearing a “yes” the kid kind of losing grounds for a fight, so, most possible the fight is canceled altogether! I often have to remind myself and to my husband, as we are getting into a battle of wills: “How do we say the same thing with a Yes?”

… and that’s not all! Here is Adele Faber’s and Elaine Mazlish’s (How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk - see our book review and summaries):

…some children experience a blunt “No” as a call to arms, a direct attack upon their autonomy. They mobilize all their energy to counterattack. They screa, have tantrums, call names, get sullen. They barrage the parent with “Why not?.. You’re mean… I hate you!”

It’s exhausting even for the most patient of parents. So what do we do? Give in? Say “yes” to everything? Obviously not. That way lies the tyranny of the spoiled brat. Fortunately, we have some helpful alternatives to allow the parent to be firm without inviting an confrontation.”

• Give information (and leave out the “No”):
  “Can I go o a bike ride?”
  (Give just the facts): “We are having dinner in 5 minutes.” Let the child figure out the answer.
• Accept feelings:
  “Wow, I can see that you really love the swings!” As you take him by the hand to go: “It’s hard to leave when you are having so much fun!”
  It can be easier to give in to someone who understands how you feel.
• Describe the Problem:
  “I’d like to drop you off at the mall. The problem is I’ve got three more piles of laundry to fold.” Who knows? May be your kid will volunteer to help? Or, “The problem is the electrician is coming in the next half hour.”
• When Possible Substitute a “Yes” for a “No”:
  “Yes, we can go to the mall right after lunch.” (Hey, that’s my favorite Magical After Word!)
• Give Yourself Time to Think:
  “Let me think about it.” Hey, it’s the same as Barbara Coloroso’s “Yes, Later!”

  This little sentence accomplishes two things: It takes the edge off the child’s intensity (at least he knows his request will be seriously considered and gives the parent time to think through her feelings.”

“No” is a short, easy word. All of those alternatives are longer, more difficult, required ore patience and thinking on our part. But being a good parent is never easy… look at your kids adorable smiles! You already have the best kids in the world, don’t you? Now they deserve the best efforts!

Please share your successes, failures or may be even more alternatives? Looking forward to hear your comments!

---

Related posts:

When can I reduce word sizes on the word-cards?

Creating Word Cards

Whole word method - harmful for kids development?




---