This is really tough! The worst is, we have to go through this one a few times per playdate, a few times per day, sometimes - a few times per minute. Some parents believe, that kids are not ready to share until they are 4 years old. I believe, if we want our kids to have playdates, playmates, friends... ever - we have to introduce the concept of sharing early on. Common, you don't want your kid to be not invited to playdate, since he never learned how to successfully resolve such conflicts!

We hold a lot of playdates in our house. We visit our friends a lot. Really a lot. Ever since my son was born. I believe in the importance of development of social skills... even over any other skills. So we've worked out a few rules for ourselves that, with love and lots (lots!) of patience, actually work.

Before I begin, a little flashback: we visited a local Moms Club meeting when my son was only 4 months old. In a big playroom, full of toys, kids and moms, there was one kid who was distinctly standing out: the poor three year old boy was thrusting a ball to his chest, trying to to embrace it in deadly-strong clutches, and screaming on the top of his lungs: "MINE!!! MIIIIIINE!!!!! MIIIINE!!!!!!!!!" All other kids were avoiding this spot. The space around the boy was empty - nobody felt like approaching. You think it looked scary? It surely did. But not nearly as scary, as the reaction of his dad chatting nearby with some of the other parents: "Common, David, you've got to share. Share." And both of them just continued: David - screaming, his dad - chatting...

That image is hardwired on my brain. That wouldn't ever be my child. Not because I am such a good mom, that he would always share - far from it! But because I wouldn't leave him in such distress all alone, not knowing how to deal with this situation.

So, what do we do? From very early on: modeling. As parents we naturally model sharing all the time - we leave the last orange for our kids, we deny ourselves something so that they can have it. Do they realize that we share? I don't think so. Kids are too self-centric. They take it for granted.

So we try to point it in that direction: it is mommy's, but mommy can share it with you. And the other way around. As painful as it sometimes feel, we insist that our kid shares his berries, apples, treats: could you share it with daddy? We wanted him to get used to thinking of sharing with other people early on. Honestly, in most of the cases we wouldn't eat the treat he is sharing, but hide it for him for later, but still... he shared...

Same with toys. Could you share your truck with mommy? If that's too tough, let's try the prerequisite for sharing: "Can mommy look at that rock that you found? In YOUR HANDS?" What kid of sharing is this? Even showing you a precious object can take a huge effort for the child. It gives him confidence - sharing doesn't mean you LOSE your precious object forever. Sharing - means you still get to hold it, own it, play with it, even though someone else will get temporarily too.

Ok, sharing with mom and dad is a piece of cake compared to deserting the beloved toy into the little grabby hands of a friend.

First of all, let's assume that all the kids are not hungry, sleepy or sick - they are are actually capable of sharing, they just don't know how.

• I would like to start with non-sharable items. There are things kids are not ready to share. There are things you are not ready to share too! I would't share my lancome mascara with anybody. You don't share some personal pictures, some letters, right? So kids have some personal dolls, cars and trains. So even before a playdate I tell my son to put away some (just a few) things that are too dear for him.
• Again about non-sharable items: not everything is sharable, but something has to stay! Let your child decide beforehand: ability to control something in their life is so strong, it overpowers the desire to keep everything to themselves
• When to interfere: I try to stay away from kids conflicts as long as possible. If they a toy is constantly passing hands, or other kids are not interested in it, no need to get into the fight!
• You DO need to interfere, if someone is abused: if one of the kids is not strong enough, or too small, or just too shy - they do require our protection.
• So, let's interfere: first, it's a good idea to acknowledge everyone's feelings - tell each child in your own words, how he wants to play with that toy exclusively. Being understood - is halfway there!
• Second, once you both kids calmed down since they know they are being understood - time to offer them options (again an illusion of control of the situation): Emily was the first to play with this toy, so she doesn't have to give it up right away! NO WAY! Sharing is not about giving up - it is when both kids get to play with it!!! So, Emily can put on one more dress on this doll, or she can play for one (two-three - depending on age and patience of the kids) minute. For my son, we started with 30 seconds. We'd count out loud to 30, altogether (you can guess, that our kids are really good at counting by know), and for that 30 seconds the kid who had the toy first could play with it, or could give it up before we say 30. Initially Emily didn't want to. I'd offer her a choice - you give the toy to Jimmy, or his mom. You can do it by yourself, or mommy will do it. After some more negotiations, sometimes even tears, the toy passes to Jimmy and now it is Jimmy's turn to dress it up or to roll the wheels of the bike, or to ride the car, or to swing on a swingset. Switch again. By third or fourth time miraculous things happen: either kids lose interest, or they actually start doing this all by themselves: sometimes at lightning speed! But it's not important, how long they get to hold a toy - they understand the most important concept: they don't LOSE the toy. They just let the other kid hold it for exactly "this" amount of time.
• And, yes, sometimes nothing helps and the toy just "flies away" to get some rest.
• If "sharing" fights happen too often, may be kids are too bored? May be you could suggest another game, or take them outside, or distract them in some other way?
• Don't punish: sharing is difficult ans stressful already. We want to teach our kids that sharing is a good, even fun thing, that it feels good to see the happy smile on someone's face. Not something dreadful they have to be afraid of. If you have to remove a toy, or even to remove your kid from a tough situation, lose the punitive edge: "You didn't share, so NOW YOU'LL SUFFER FOR IT! I"LL NEVER TAKE YOU FOR A PLAYDATE!" I've known kids who refused to going for playdates with certain kids, since sharing made them feel too miserable. I usually prefer to kindly explain that the toy, or my kid, needs a little break and it will come back later and distract them.

Sharing is never easy. But after we go through this exchange a few times, kids do get it!!! And they do share things pretty well!

My son is now dragging his adored grass mower with him at every park outing. To my astonishment, he is actually sharing it with other kids at the playground!!! Now I just have to figure out how to teach him to share without preliminary lengthy set of instructions, that on other kid has patience for: "I'll share with you, and you can take it for a big loop around the playground, just don't touch any switches, and don't go over there, and do a good job of lawn mowing..." yada-yada-yada for the next 10 minutes and lots of interruptions to wrestle the mower back for another set of instructions. Tough one.

Hey, if you know a better way, just share it below! Trust me - I am open to suggestions!

Other good articles I found on sharing:

• Learning To Share by Dr. Green: excellent article on how important to teach sharing concepts that apply not only in toddler years, but in college years as well.
• How can I teach my toddler to share?: very nice article on how to introduce the concept of sharing to the kids
• Teaching Children To Share: the article divides the sharing ability by age
• target="_blank">How to teach kids to share toys: this one is more on how to model sharing practices for your child
• Teaching Kids to Share: a good review of a specific situation, when one of the kids wants to trade the candy with another kid, and the other one refuses.