"I found one contradiction to that theory that proclaims that we always have to acknowledge our children's feelings," - said my friend today. - "What if my Johnny says, that he is afraid to go into his own room? It's HIS room, he's been sleeping in it for his entire life! There is NOTHING to be afraid! I don't want to confirm his fear by saying that yes, it is indeed scary."

I was puzzled too.

So I returned to my favorite sources. First, in What Babies Say Before They Can Talk by P. Holinger, M.D. there is a whole chapter dedicated to fear. Fear is one of the only seven basic emotions that every child has from birth. Fear is nature's way of helping us detect and avoid danger:

Fear is an alarm bell and children ring it load and clear, perhaps they cannot protect themselves and they need to alert you to come to their assistance... When you are sensitive to the signal for fear and help resolve the situation, your child learns about fear and about regulating it - it is part of his emerging mastery of his outer environment and inner psychological world.(p. 189)

Fear is a difficult signal to manage appropriately. It's necessary and healthy, yet it's potentially toxic. You, as a parent, may hate to see it expressed..."Oh, no it's not scary!" But, as with all signals, fear needs its due. (further emphasizing the text is my own):

• Allow the expression of fear
• Label the feeling
• Do something about the trigger

Don't try to suppress it (fear) or shut it off. It may seem strange to you that a little one is afraid of bald men or people wearing sunglasses, but it's not. Offer reassurance, explanation, and, when possible, remove the baby from frightening situation. A child cannot control his reactions; she does not chose to be afraid; it is not a reflection of a weak character.(p. 192)

I really love this collection of quotes by Dr Haim Ginott:

Direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

When kids feel right, they behave right.

How do we help them to feel right?

By accepting their feelings!

Problem - Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings; for example:
“You don’t really feel that way”
“You’re just saying that because you’re tired.”
“There’s no reason to be so upset.”

Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are - not to trust them.

Ok, so we DO need to acknowledge and label this emotion too. Even if just for our own sanity: instead of wailing for unknown reason, this will teach our child to express his emotions in worlds: "I am so afraid of this elevator!" When we acknowledge the feelings of our child, he will know that he is understood, valuable, important and loved! Again, we don't have to share his feelings, we just have to acknowledge it: "This elevator is a bit scary, huh? Too many strangers? Too bumpy? We'll be out of it soon." (p. 192). I love this part: we don't have to become scared ourselves! Moreover, "don't impose your own fears on the child. If the elevators scare you - a touch of claustrophobia, perhaps - don't plant an idea in your child's mind by planting your particular anxiety. Your goal is to respond to the child's signal of fear, not activate it." (p. 192)

Ok, we acknowledged our kids feelings, but how about "do something about the trigger"? If the child is afraid of fireworks, we can cover his ears and calmly but quickly take him away from the loud noise. If my friend's daughter is afraid of any characters (Winnie The Pooh, Santa Clause or may be even Cinderella?) her dad takes her to away to watch them from a more comfortable distance. But does it mean that Johnny should never sleep in his room again?

In addition to removing the trigger of fear (for example the scary dog), another strategy is to help your child transform fear into interest. In the case of the dog, you might respond by picking up your child and saying: "I know this dog looks scary and big, but now I've picked you up and he can't get you. Now we can look at him. Isn't his coat a pretty color of brown? See how his tail wags. (p. 193)

Another strategy Holinger recommends for dealing with triggers:

Comforting transitional object such as Teddy bear or blanket that child can use for self-soothing. "No need to discourage the use of such objects. Children will use them as long as they need them and put them aside according to their own timetable." (p. 193)

AVOID:

• Using shame: "What's with you? You are being silly." This will only undermine kid's confidence, teach a child to deny his fear and become macho or bulling, or make him feel wrong about himself. "It completely undercuts her emerging sense of self-esteem." (p. 193)
• Using fear as a parenting technique: "Eat your peas or the policeman will take you away." "Fear makes children feel dread and apprehension and it constricts a child's stimulus seeking nature, thus compromising learning... Fear can also cause lying. "(p. 194)
• Spanking. "Hitting a child is a form of terror. Spanking is a hit with a fancy name. If you find that you spank your child, that means you have run out of alternative ways of dealing with the situation and need to expand your repertoire of emotional and physical responses. Spanking backfires as a motivator of a good behavior. You may gain your child's superficial compliance but his inner world will be filled with anxiety and rage." (p. 195). Remember, "..." We don't like to be humiliated. When we are humiliated, we feel rage against our aggressor, and just contemplating a revenge, a more sneaky way to do the same thing and not to get caught, or just absolutely lose our self-confidence. Same feelings experience our children - if you didn't love your children, you wouldn't be reading this article, right? So if you love them so much, why use the humiliation? It doesn't do any good either to them, or to you.

And, finally, the benefits of addressing fear: When you help your child manage her fears and remove fear from your bag of parenting tricks, your child can become a brave explorer or ideas, and places, and people... it teaches her how to be wisely self-protective and emotionally honest. (p. 196)

Let's have happier children!

As for my friend's situation,I don't want to impose any of my own advise on her, I'd love to hear her own strategy and how the story evolved. If any of you have an advise, other opinions or personal stories that you would like to share, please add comments below or at our forum!