The secret? It's a game. THE ONLY RULE IS: IF you get upset, you lose.

None of us wants our children to go through any encounters of bullying. Yet they will. I don't think anybody can avoid it at one point or another, at some degree. Schools are offering "anti-bulling" programs, declaring "bully-free zone", but they seem to fail on every account: except a satisfactory feeling feeling for the parents, of course. You just can't stop bulling "from the top" - from the high authority. It is easy to find ways to torment, tease, humiliate or otherwise bully someone without attracting any attention from the teacher, even parent. And the worse is that kids who try to report such bulling, usually just get more bullied and hated.

In 2005, researchers at the universities of Ottawa and London published a very dispiriting assessment: Most schoolwide programs "have yielded insignificant outcomes on measures of self-reported victimization and bullying, and only a small number have yielded positive outcomes."

So, does it mean that there is nothing that we can do?

Izzy Kalman, the author of Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends, believes that the only ones who can stop bullying are the victims, those who are being attacked.

Funny, I've always assumed that I was bullied because of my hair/figure/braces/name, or any combination thereof.

I was wrong.

I was not bullied because of these external characteristics. I was targeted because of them. And there's a big difference. According to Kalman's research, I became a victim, a recipient of deliberate and ongoing verbal abuse and social exclusion, for one reason only: because I didn't know how to handle it

This seems logical: some kids seem to be the magnets for bulling attacks, and, worst of all, often other's don't even feel sorry for them, as if they deserve such treatment. Meanwhile other kids, for some reason, appear to handle their social obstacles with ease!

I found surprising another aspect in this article: I always believed that the bullies are the ones suffering from low self-esteem, covering it up with attacks on others. Apparently, I was wrong.

In his groundbreaking 1993 book Bullying at School (based on research begun in 1970), Dan Olweus, a professor of psychology at Norway's University of Bergen, found that children tagged as bullies suffered unusually little anxiety. And research since then has only confirmed his findings.

"The highest self-esteem measured in children is in bullies," says my friend Marshall Duke, a professor of psychology at Emory University. "They're just feeling great!"

That explains why the school's "bully-free zones" are failing so miserably: the bullies don't even identify themselves as the "bad guys"!

Therefore it is only the target of bullying, the victim himself is the superman who can stop the evil.

If antibullying programs can't stop the bullying, what can? Only the child — the target — himself. Or as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Izzy Kalman puts it more concretely: "You get upset, you lose."

The article shows some examples how the bullying can be handled differently: read more at Wondertime.com How to Bullyproof Your Child.

The resources for anti-bulling strategies:

• bullies2buddies.com: click on "free manuals". Even the materials on the website offer the insight on how the problem can be remedied, but to me, personally, the approach by Barbara Coloroso described in The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander is closer to the heart. You can read more below.
• Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends by by Izzy Kalman. The book is written in the language that is easy for the kids and has funny pictures to illustrate some points, but parents would find it as helpful. The author argues that ignoring the bullies, treating them as friends can actually turn them into friends instead of continuing a useless struggle. Bullies want you to get upset. So it is important not to let them get you upset, or rather not to get upset: ignoring their attempts, redirecting rumors with questions "Do you believe it?", using a sense of humor, turning it into a game, or... again, showing how much you are not bothered by their insults. See more in his free manuals on the website above.
• The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence. "Staring with a bottom-line assumption that "bullying is a learned behavior," Coloroso (Parenting Through Crisis) wonderfully explains not only the ways that the bully, the bullied and the bystander are "three characters in a tragic play" but also how "the scripts can be rewritten, new roles created, the plot changed." For each of the three "characters," she breaks down the behavior that defines each role, analyzes the specific ways that each character can have their behaviors changed for the better, and suggests a range of methods that parents and educators can use to identify bullying behavior and deal with it effectively. The book also provides excellent insights into behaviors related to but not always recognized as bullying, such as cliques, hazing, taunting and sexual bullying."

  This book actually a bit on the other end of the scale: Barbara Coloroso thinks parents, teachers, other kids - everyone should get involved, that the ignorance of bystanders just makes the problem worse. I love other books by this author (e.g. "Kids are worth it" in my opinion is a must on every parent's bookshelf) and her approach seems more proactive, more involved, less humiliating to me, then Izzy Kalman's policy on letting every non-hurtful offense slide. Bulling is not only between the aggressor and the victim - everyone who stays silent and ignores it is part of it too. It is important to stop denying that this problem exists. This well written book that is easy to read, is very helpful, though usually after reading her books I really wish there was an appendix with "How To" summaries and bullets.

• Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems by Michael Phd Thompson and Laurence Cohen. "Thompson and Laurence Cohen use their experiences as parents and child psychologists to unravel the complex dynamics of social interactions among children".
• Helping the Child Who Doesn't Fit in by Stephen Nowicki and Marshall P. Duke. Helps to understand and teach the kids how their non-verbal communication is sending the wrong message; helps parents to teach social skills to their kids.
• Bullying.org: a great resource for anti-bulling strategies, for sharing personal stories, for finding more resources.

I've noticed, that most of the resources I was able to find concentrated on one thing: if you ignore the bullies, if you show them how much you don't care for their insults, the bulling will subside. Unless the situation is really dangerous, such as physical abuse or if some personal possessions are being forcefully taken away from the victim - those are the situations that have to be raised to the higher authorities - school counselors, police, parents. Otherwise the general advice is to STOP BEING UPSET, STOP ACTING UPSET, STOP TRYING TO STOP THE BULLY.

It is easier said then done. Honestly, I wasn't bullied much in my childhood - just a few rude remarks that nobody (I guess!) could avoid. Yet, I still remember them. I handled them differently: sometimes I just pretended I haven't heard it, sometimes - I'd try to respond with something witty and hurtful, sometimes - I would try to humor by offender, sometimes I would "hide" behind the friend's back - if I have a good friend (or a few) - I truly don't care of other's opinion! Regardless of my reaction, weather it was right or wrong, there is one thing I remember very distinctly - I ALWAYS felt upset. I would try not to look that way, but it would always hurt inside, and even being quite lightheaded, I'd remember it for a while. So, I have a hard time with an advice "Don't get upset". I think we can work on our reactions, on our behavior, posture, tone of voice... but can you honestly control how it really makes you feel?

Confidence - is the strongest weapon, that's true. It can stop further attacks. It can prevent the attacks. Ignoring occasional rude comment, is probably wise. Laughing it off, sounds even better to me. But it still seems to me, that it is very important to let the bullies know that you are not afraid of them, that they can't control you, or your reaction. And in some situations, that you will not be afraid to stand up for yourself. Actually, I think that the easiest way to show that, is by standing up for someone else, who is being bullied - I think it helps both of you... and deprives bully from one of the most important things: their audience!

Share your opinions and further resources in the comments below.